Diane Oser’s Sound Visions

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

Bobbie demonstrates the Pentatonic scale to a group of scientists, using audience participation. Not to be missed.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don’t work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .

If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km –
You’re going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada .

(this is my favourite, because how true)

If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees ‘a little chilly’,
You may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes,
you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

I’m constantly rejoicing in my improved eyesight, and wondering how I ever managed painting the pictures that I have done with such poor vision. Then I think about the Impressionists, many of whom were visually impaired. Makes one wonder about the spirit behind the action. Think about it. Spirit conquers all.

Okay folks. Time to unload your change, piggy banks and pockets

It’s October. Breast Cancer awareness month, and I’m sitting here crying, remembering what I went through, from the beginning to the end.

First, it was the uh oh, something’s wrong. Then it was definitely not good. Then it was this horrible two needle biopsy (two needles implanted in my breast) ,where I was lying on a table in a hallway for hours, waiting for the actual biopsy and told not to move. An inch. And then the diagnose…CANCER. So after that, more horrible diagnostic tests to determine where it was, exactly, and then the decision to lop it off. Okay, I survived that and now have undergone breast reconstruction. Not out of the woods yet. No pity here, please. Just empty your change purses and pockets and please donate what you can. It is horrible, this disease, and the folks that are doing what they can to help us, need to be helped. Every dollar helps.
I’m okay right now, but still have another breast that needs to be monitored. All these tests need to be subsidized. We are mothers, and grandmothers and often single young women who are more and more frequently being diagnosed. Love you all.

Diane

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

Ok, smart people, answer these – - – - -

O x y m o r o n’s Also known as Steve Wrightism

1 Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2 Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3 < b>If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4 If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5 Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6 Why does “slow down” mean the same as “slow up”?

7 Why does “fat chance” mean the same as “slim chance”?

8 Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9 Why do we sing, “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?

10 Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

11 Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12 Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13 Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14 Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15 Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16 If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17 If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19 If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? [NOTE: "Bob" is easy for dyslexics to remember.]

20 Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

21 Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
< /b>
22 Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23 How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24 Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25 < span class="EC_apple-style-span">Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26 Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first